It's been four and a half years

I was actually kinda happy today.

For like a moment.

Well, it's dead now. Shotgun to the back of the head, axe to the chest, buried alive in a damp ditch, the works.

The one thing i avoid thinking about is comparison. And guess what is the anvil and the fucking hammer?

Comparison to highschool batchmates. How they will be finishing university and starting jobs, and their lives this year. While i am here, right between nowhere and pointless.

All hail, the fucking competition! Who will be the king of the mountain of shit?!

I didn't want to do this shit, that is abundantly clear.

I used to be the star student remember? What happened? What changed?

It bothers you? it stings ... you?! No no! Please tell me more! I'll just sit here, pulling tighter the fraying seams of my fucking chest with my fucking teeth.

I'm not working hard enough, i don't want this hard enough, my heart isn't in it enough.

I shouldn't deceive myself, yes? Double standards much?

But here i am, in the shit, doing it. And i'll fucking do it. i don't really have a fucking choice do i?

I do feel like my life is on fucking pause right now, and i'm just waiting for someone, something, anything to hit that play button. Get me moving.

But no. Thermodynamics at play. Inertia, you heartless bitch.

I try and do shit, i really do. Exploring myself, the things i can do, the things i can learn.

I picked two new today. Just today. Today could have been the day i got my shit together.

Had a good feeling about today.

Sorry, nope, just distractions of course. Trudging through the shit is the noble pursuit. I am an undisciplined idiot. Ruining my life.

They are leaving me behind. Leaving me behind for what? Modern day slavery? Well la dee fucking da.

I said, hey! i know! i'll do my own shit!

Fuck you they said. Do the normal thing, the safe thing, the boring shit. We say this out of love, we do.

Well, fuck that.

I'll do it fucking all. And i'll fucking show you.

-

And when she asks what she should do? I'll say to her: you tell me baby, what's our adventure for today?

Run, my babyboy

Ridged soles slap against cold cobblestone.

The pace builds.

Faster.

Faster.

Come on! Faster!

She flits away ahead of me, bounding from one lithe step to the next with effortless grace.

I chase after in her wake.

She, always a grasp away, laughs a cool breeze and sends it my way.

Beads of sweat, rivulets on my skin. Muscles moving in synch, body flowing in rhythm.

Feet pound the ground, launching me closer, and closer.

Ears pounding with cardiac crescendo.

Chest heaving, biting down precious morsels of oxygen.

I feel so alive.

Her hand encompasses my blurred tunnel vision.

One last contraction, one more expansion, legs propel me into her waiting fingers.

Her touch, lightning, firing every synapse, exciting every neuron.

Eyes emanating cold flame, spine excited for more.

"Hey, race you to the bottom."